When I first wanted to write this post I wanted to write about setbacks and not failures. Because even the word failure has an unpleasant ring to it.
Failure sucks. We are afraid of failure. I am afraid of failure. I’m terrified by it. All my life I run the opposite way. I’ve looked for perfection. Everything has to be as I wanted to be or else… it’s a failure.
My ego is so big that I don’t allow myself to fail. Every little setback is considered a failure. And it haunts me. Sometimes for a day. Sometimes for more than that.
This drive for perfection… no, this fear of failure, took me to a point where I was seeing life in a very strange way. It was either a win or death. Not a loss. Death. And I didn’t wanted to die. Nobody wants to die. This is why I didn’t take any action or any risks.
I applied this mentality in everything. School, dating, work, money. All of it. All of my life. And I reached a point where I couldn’t handle anymore. I was seeing failure almost all over the place. Like a videogame where you see the enemies on the map, I saw failures on my map. Everything I do will end up a failure. I was a failure. Nothing worked.
More planning. This is what I needed. More plans. Perfect plans. A course of action for the next 250 years. I can’t fail this way. Because I will have the perfect plan.
But something happened. A shift. A mindquake that moved my tectonic plates of thoughts.
Maybe it was a book that I read. Maybe more than one or all of them. Maybe it was a glimpse of inspiration or something that I started to do. But little by little I started to change. Perfection didn’t matter anymore. It didn’t matter that I could fail. It didn’t matter. I didn’t give a fuck anymore. The only important thing was to move forward.
I threw away the win/loss system in the trash.
I can’t have everything the way I want. That’s not how the world works. Nothing is perfect. There will be failures and I have to accept that. The trick is to learn from failures. And to do better. Fail, learn, fail better, learn more. Move forward. Because if you stand still death is guaranteed.
That is the practicality of failure. Every failure is a lesson to be learned. Learn from the mistakes of others. But most important it’s to learn from your own failures. Nothing imprints a lesson in your mind like feeling it first hand.
I still a lot of work to do. Even today I still have the old habits crawling back to my mind. But I’m conscious about it this time. I can fight back against my own. It’s a long road. But, I will learn from this as well.